I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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