I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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