You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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