I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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