i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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