I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
