I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
