Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
