even my farts smell like vagina
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize