I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
