When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
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