I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
