The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
