Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
