She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
