umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm too high and old for this...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize