thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
