just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
