a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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