there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize