Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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