1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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