so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
