my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
