dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
there is glitter all over my balls
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