Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
