I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
