i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
