you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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