Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
