Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
