i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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