i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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