Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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