I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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