I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
