So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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