I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
