Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
