are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
