What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
