I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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