i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
