I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
