Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
