I can't breathe out the right side of my face
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
