Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize