Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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