you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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