My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just cropdusted the office
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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