We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize