you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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