I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
