how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm having to shit out rocks
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