if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
