If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize