so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We need to get me chipped asap
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
