Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
