hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
