I can tuck mytits in my pants
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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