At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
