she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
