I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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