So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
